Vampires are a classic threat. We know a lot about them and how to fight them. Zombies. Aim for the head, make sure they’re dead. But what about Trolls, the denizens of the internet’s sphincter. What is the best way to deal with them?
For healthy, normal people, the solution is easy. Block them and forget them. For you folks, this is a short article. Thanks for coming!
For the rest of us, who enjoy staring into the abyss, digital sword ready to claim another trophy—this is for you.
STEP 1: CHECK YOUR TARGET
Don’t be too quick to pull the trigger. Be sure the person in your sights is NOT a “friendly”. Sometimes “our” people post things as objects to be rightly ridiculed or criticized. Be sure the post is legitimate before you put on your war paint. Babylon Bee is a satire site; it is not alone. After you have determined the person is proud of the post or at least seems to present the post as a challenge, you’re still not done. There are three categories of Leftist poster:
The Civil Opposition – This person genuinely believes Leftist ideas, but is open to a legitimate discussion. The Civil Opposition probably posted an article, as opposed to an “edgy” meme. The Civil Opposition is a rare as Bigfoot riding a Unicorn to cure cancer. Be careful, the Lefthole and the Shit Poster may masquerade as the Civil Opposition before revealing their true form. The Civil opposition wants to exchange ideas and hopefully change minds.
The Lefthole – This person believes Leftist ideas. He also believes he is wittier, wiser, smarter, better educated, and more enlightened than you… and all conservatives… and possibly all conservatives combined. Leftism is his secular humanist religion. It has it’s creation myth, its dogma, its penance, its saints, and its prophets. As a true believer, the Lefthole is here to prove his superiority to the heathens and to signal his virtue.
The Shit Poster – This person might believe Leftist ideas, but that really isn’t the point. Like the Lefthole, the Shit Poster believes he is wittier, wiser, smarter, better educated, and more enlightened than you. This is not based on an ideology. It’s about ego. The Shit Poster is here to make people angry, which he interprets as validation of his superiority. He has a harem of gym socks (figurative or literal) and he’s looking to ravage them, but he needs your help (figuratively or literally).
STEP 2: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS
If you are dealing with the Civil Opposition, be polite. You may disagree with them, but your chances of having an agreeable debate, and possibly changing their views, are better if you are polite. Treat them like you would treat anyone.
If you are dealing with a Lefthole, be “polite”. Don’t insult them. Insults are weak sauce. If they insult you, but you don’t insult them, then you can point out that their argument is so weak they have to resort to insults. That doesn’t work if you have exchanged insults. Never go on defense. They want you playing defense. Offense is easy and defense is hard.
If they state something that is demonstrably false, present evidence to the contrary. Use a quote or image from an article, always include the link. Avoid using links from conservative sites, use mainstream media, YouTube videos, or government data.Then ask them to defend their position in light of evidence that contradicts their position. This puts them on defense, and they hate it. If you have to use a conservative site, be prepared for them to mock your source. Do NOT defend your source! Instead, tell the Lefthole that if they will not accept *your* sources, then you will not accept *their* sources.
If they make an assertion as though is a fact. Do not defend against the assertion. Ask them, politely, to provide data or other evidence to support their assertion (and include the link). This puts them on defense, and they hate it. Do not relent. Do not let them deflect. Insist they provide evidence to support their assertion. Don’t be afraid to screen cap their original assertion and include it with your request for evidence. This is like rubbing their nose it, and they hate it. If they refuse to provide evidence, drop this image on them and tell them you dismiss their baseless assertion.
If the Lefthole attempts to make a moral or logical argument, one well-placed meme can wreck a faulty argument. It helps if you have a library of memes on hand.
If you are dealing with a Shit Poster, and you want to treat them like a Lefthole, then be “super polite”. Be advised, the Shit Poster WANTS you to be angry and involved. He wants your angry emojis. He wants you to call him names. He wants you to mock his ideas. Your anger and involvement is his candy.
The key to wrecking a Shit Poster is to identify him quickly and stick to these three memes. No text. No emojis. Just these three memes.
Deploy this meme first. Debating is hard, that’s why Shit Posters troll. It’s easy… and predictable: Attack attack attack; never defend.
Now that you have identified the troll’s entire game plan. He will either block you (WIN!) or attempt to bait you (just as the meme predicts). If he tries to bait you, deploy this meme.
Stick with this. It’s easy, and it frustrates the Shit Poster. If he doesn’t block you, and he fails to bait you into a different response, then he may attack your “boring” response. Essentially, he’s crying for you to play the role he assigned you. Don’t fall for that.
Just drop this meme.
From that point forward, give him ONLY these three memes. Every time. Every. Time.
What do I know? I’m Justa Gaibroh.
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